Does It Resonate?

I have so many drafts over the last few weeks that will probably remain unpublished. One about a co-worker and how energy vampires and narcissists tend to be one and the same; one about binding spells and the victory that they didn’t backfire on me; one about the spiritual gifts we all have and how they are both a gift and a curse; one about intuition and how it signals you; even one about which animal seems to be my family’s “spirit animal” - all of them good topics to write about, but none of them resonated with me. It felt like I was forcing myself to type just to say, “There, I did my writing for the week.” Oh, I still write in my journal and my interpretations of tarot readings most, if not every day; and I get great joy and fulfillment from that mainly because I’m a tactile person and I like the feel of the pen on paper and the scratching it does. Typing doesn’t give that same joy. Oh, I love the clickety-clack of the keys (touch pads are NOT my favorite - I need the sound), but it’s not the same. I don’t know, maybe this is no longer resonating with me. Maybe I’ve outgrown my desire to be a writer or author. I mean, I know the kind of work that goes into publishing for the author after the book is written. There’s tours, interviews, signings - that’s just too damned many people for me to deal with. Even the digital route requires my face and energy to advertise the book. I’d rather be sitting in my yard watching the bugs do their thing than have to do all that extra stuff.

It could also be that life is chucking dodge balls at me and while I’ve dodged a few, some are hitting. For instance, I’ve done some shadow work and am recognizing my shadow triggers. I’m not talking about sounds I hear, but I’m talking about the actions and vibes of others. I have a co-worker who is pregnant. It’s her first and poor kid is having twins to boot, so naturally she’s excited. I’m excited for her, I truly am. But I am so sick of hearing her talk about it, which struck me because I genuinely like the girl. She and I can talk about anything and get along fantastically, but the second she starts yammering on about her pregnancy I start to get annoyed. I get so annoyed with her that I just can’t be around her. I had thought I was picking up on someone else’s energy and even after grounding and returning back inside, the minute she says something like, “Ugh, I’m so tired. Being pregnant is so exhausting,” and I’m clenching my jaw to keep my mouth shut because I bit my tongue off before grounding. I kept wondering why.

It’s because I was never able to do that with my only pregnancy. I wasn’t able to talk to anyone about what I was going through while I was going through it. My mother wanted me to give the baby up for adoption and anything I said about my pregnancy she would reiterate that point; my best friend was busy with her own crotch goblin so our conversations were always interrupted; my sister who was pregnant at the same time I was wasn’t going through what I was going through (and she had wedding plans to formulate); and even though my father “tried” to be supportive it wasn’t the same thing. I felt alone during my pregnancy. I didn’t realize how alone I felt until I dug into that shadow. It was like picking at a crusty scab that wasn’t ready to fall off just yet. I’m not one to pick, so I ripped the fucker right off…yeah, it uncovered a whole slew of shadows that stemmed from childhood trauma. I’m still integrating those shadows. Instead of doing what I want to do, which is to shout at her, “You’re pregnant, not crippled. Get off of your ass and do your fucking job,” or “Jesus Christ, give them their items so they can go! They don’t care that you’re pregnant” (believe me, those inclinations are very strong); and instead of doing what I normally just do and that’s doing everything by myself while she sits in the chair in between customers; I firmly tell her, “There’s trash and a pizza order. You want to do the trash or the pizza?” as I gather things up. No time for her to hem and haw, no time for her to think about it. She chose pizza orders which was fine by me because at least she was doing something. Anyway, I continued to do my job and when I saw her sitting down while something behind the counter needed to be done, I made mention of it and continued to do what I was doing. I had no malice, no negative vibe, just “this is your job and you need to be doing it.” A far cry from where I was even a week ago.

Anyway, the last few weeks have been nothing but triggers for me - fuck, the last few MONTHS have been nothing but triggers. It takes time, and I guess for me, isolation to integrate the shadows into myself.

Then life threw an enormous dodge ball at my head: my beloved boss has left. The question on everyone’s mind is “Will Sue take the general manager position?” To which, when asked, I reply with a resounding, “FUCK NO!” It’s not that I can’t do the job. It’s because I want to be present for my life. Being the GM means you’re salaried. And in turn, you have to put the fire out no matter what time of day it is or what you’re doing. Been there. Done that. No thanks. As the assistant, I get paid by the HOUR to just take a phone call question and I’m only allowed to work no more than 40 hours per week. As we all know, overtime is the devil so…yeah, not taking the position. And I’ve been extremely vocal about it too. The district manager knows, and I’m sure the owners know as well - I couldn’t pick them out of a line-up so they could have been in the store at any time I’ve said, “I’d rather get fucked in the ass with a cactus using ground glass for lube” when asked if I’d take the GM position. If not, I’m sure it’s been said in the grapevine - gotta love small towns. The thing is, I know I can do the job - I’ve done it before. And I’m not the same person I was when I had the job - I have boundaries I won’t allow to be crossed, so I don’t think the stress would be as terrible. I have more support now than I did then in friends and family. I also have no fear of just walking out without anything to fall back on - I’ve done it twice before, and I can do it again. But then there’s that whole “being present” thing popping up again. I’ve spent the last four weeks going round and round with this decision. I’ve meditated on it. I’ve divined on it. I’ve done tarot cards. I’ve even just sat with it, visualizing what life would be like in either scenario. BOTH options resonate with me, so how do I know which way to go?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter which path I take because both will lead me to where I want to go. So I dove headfirst into my astrological birth chart with the question “Which path would be for my highest good in this life?” Taking the GM position would mean I would make A LOT more money than I’m making now which leads to things getting done faster - just hire an electrician, a plumber, a carpenter, a mechanic to get things done. It would look pretty, and probably be done correctly. However, I don’t trust contractors (bad experience with one) and I like doing things myself - it’s that sense of accomplishment. It may not be aesthetically pleasing to others, but by God, I fucking did it and I like it - most of my fixtures are cock-eyed (my dad always said I view the world cock-eyed, so…) and my baseboards are broken into 4’ pieces because that’s the longest board I can fit in my Spark. If people don’t like the look, they can stay out cuz my house loves it - she’s not crazy about the colors, but that’s just makeup. Financially, since it’s just me, my expenses are bare minimum, so there would be more money to go into savings and I would finally be able to rebuild my nest egg. I would be financially comfortable. Right now, my needs are met - which is all I’ve ever really wanted out of my financial life. I don’t need brand new cars or designer anything; nor do I want to travel all over the world - I’m just as happy traveling to another state for fun as I am going 30 miles to Manhattan for fun. And while I have a few dollars tucked under my mattress, inflation tends to not just chisel at savings but to gut the whole damned thing. Whenever I manage to save anything significant, the fuckwads in D.C. or on the world stage say or do something asinine and the price of everything jumps 150%. I grew up poor. I grew up being grateful for what I have and making do with what I got. Life has shown me that “the Universe provides,” so if I can’t afford a want, I don’t need it. If I took the GM position, and this is fear talking, what’s the good in having all that money in savings, a home and yard looking exactly how I wanted it if I spend more time at work than I do at home? I enjoy being at my job. I enjoy my interactions with the customers. I enjoy my time with my co-workers. I enjoy what I do. Having the GM position will eventually mean that I’ll spend more time at my job than in my life - it’s the nature of the position. Right now, even though I’m acting manager, I’m not. My job doesn’t allow me to make the schedules (the district manager would just change it anyway - happened before), my job doesn’t allow me to take the deposit to the bank, my job doesn’t allow me to count things like beer or tobacco. My job is to count the money, receive shipments from vendors and basically make sure the place doesn’t burn down. So, all of the worry of having to find coverage for shifts and the like - that’s not on me, even as an acting manager because I’m paid hourly. Any time I’m off of the clock, and a work related thing comes up, I HAVE to get paid and that can lead into the dreaded overtime. So I’m able to be more present in my life in my current position. I’d definitely be able to figure out if I want to keep this blog going or not. I’ve been typing for a couple of hours and this is all I’ve gotten done.

According to astrology, and something that has been buzzing in the back of my head, I should walk away from something because it no longer resonates with me and focus more on my roots because that will lead me to my authentic self. Well, I’m already halfway there. May as well take the road less traveled. Besides, the fun is in the journey, not the destination. Might as well keep the blog for a little while longer - I'm not entirely convinced this is just a “writer’s funk” to be honest, but only time will tell. Maybe I’ll finish one of the drafts - the one about the ancestral spirit animal is pretty good.