Not All “Floral Shops” Are the Same
So it’s no secret that I work in a floral shop. I will say it was quite an adjustment. Not just in the fact I had to make double damned sure I wasn’t cussing, but also that I wasn’t saying something that could be construed as “sexual harassment.” For fuck’s sake, calling someone “hon” can be construed as sexual harassment and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I would be able to break myself of that habit, but for the other things, it was a challenge. Now, I am extremely experienced in customer service. I’ve been in it in various forms since I was five years old helping my mom with her Tupperware parties. I’m all about getting someone the most bang for their buck, and I have tons of ideas for arrangements. Unfortunately, asking the gentlemen who seek my assistance in procuring floral pieces, “Are you looking to get out of the dog house or are you trying to get laid?” is frowned upon by my supervisor and probably a fireable offense through my employer. I have, so far, been able to keep my questions pertinent: How much are you wanting to spend? Is this a first date? Are you trying to get out of the dog house or just because? The first question is the most important one. It tells me what kind of flowers to use - especially for those of you gentlemen that have absolutely no clue as to what flowers your girl likes (seriously guys, just use the note app on your phones). After we get the cost out of the way, then I’ll need to know what flowers she likes, what colors she likes; and if you can’t answer either of those then the question I have is, “What kind of vibe does she have?”
For everyone who thinks I’m psycho-looney tunes for believing in “the vibe” I’ll have you know every single person I’ve asked that to - ranging from 16-84 years - have ALL understood what I was asking. From there, I’m able to compose an idea of what the gentleman wants for his lady (or gentleman, I don’t really care who the flowers are for). This process is the same for men, women, young, old, alive, or dead; there is no difference. Sometimes the customer and I are able to pick from the ready made arrangements in the cooler - which makes my life easier. Kinda like when I was working at the gas station and had a pepperoni pizza coming out of the oven for the case and I just got an order for one right as I set it on the cutting board. Easy peasy.
HOWEVER! Those who order online through websites such as “From You Flowers” or “Avas Flowers” y’all need to know something. The prices on the website ain’t accurate for the pictures they show. AND there is no way in hell the arrangements are going to look like the picture. Those online pics are photo-shopped more than a model’s picture in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. No one ever reads all the way down on these things, so naturally this line is missed: Item pictured is a depiction of an arrangement that we will make as similar as possible with the same look and feel. The thing is, I absolutely love how they say “we will make as similar as possible…” Who is “we” Kimosabe? These websites don’t arrange the flowers. They don’t deliver the flowers. They just take your order, shop it around to floral establishments in the area you want them delivered to and it goes from there. The kicker is, those “cheap prices” on those websites do not include delivery, much less the actual cost of the flowers. How much would you pay for the arrangement below? There’s 3 white roses, 2 single lilies, 2 delphiniums, and 3 short stems of seeded eucalyptus with a satin ribbon bow.
My first order <3
I proposed that same question to my boyfriend. He isn’t a cheap man by no means. He’s frugal - meaning he’ll spend the money on quality if he feels it’s worth it. It’s a attribute I adore in him - because I’m the same way…and if I want something, he’ll surprise me with it when I least expect it which tells me I’m worth it to him (insert warm fuzzy feeling here). Lucky for him, I don’t want much of anything materialistic - I can afford my wants and needs. Anyway, as every typical man, he cannot understand the logic behind why women want cut flowers. “They’re just going to die,” he says. To which I said, “Babe, they’re already dying. Cut flowers are basically in hospice. Women take care of them during their last days with love.” He looked pointedly at the wilted arrangement on my table and snorted. I glared at him and said, “Those are my winter wards. They’re supposed to look like that. They were soldiers that took the bad mojo hit instead of me.” Ten minutes later, and certain things proving my beliefs - at least in my eyes - I finally dragged his price point for the arrangement out of him. “I wouldn’t pay more than $25 for that. $30, maybe if it was something you really wanted.”
…Awww…he and I are the same, because it’s what I would pay for this rinky dink arrangement.
Y’all, that little arrangement, from the “website” was sent to us for $40 - including the delivery as “promised” on the website. This arrangement, just in flowers, costs $38. That doesn’t include the cost of the vase or the ribbon. Delivery for this particular arrangement was $10 (it’s higher the farther you go from the shop), then there’s the cost of my labor involved in this. The true cost of this arrangement, including labor, delivery, and materials is actually about $65 (64.40 to be exact). The roses and delphiniums are $5 a stem; the lilies are $4 a stem; the greenery is about $5 worth; the vase is $5 and the ribbon is about $2 or $3. My labor is 30%. Yeah, when I explained that to my boyfriend, his jaw hit the dog, who was laying on the floor next to him. I learned all of this the semi-hard way while operating the “florist to florist” system in the beginning. This arrangement was the first one I accepted without knowing just how much these online “services” are screwing the ones who actually do the work.
The image below? I’ll give the accurate pricing of this little piece, since I’ve made it about a dozen times. There are: 2 roses ($5/stem), 3 carnations ($2/stem), 3 alstroemeria ($2/stem), 1 spray rose ($4/stem), 2 mini carnations ($2/stem), 2 pittosporum ($2/stem), half stem of spiral eucalyptus ($5/stem=$2.50), labor is 30% ($10.95), vase ($7), delivery (x - it can range from $10-$20). Do the math. Even without the delivery and sales tax, this arrangement is $54.45 (I’d round it up to $55 just for ease) - a FAR cry from the $39.99. ANND, because this is a “florist to florist” system - meaning instead of someone from Timbucktoo calling around Saskatchewan to find a place that delivers flowers, they just place an order thru a website and the website does the “calling around” for them - the florist shops only get a percentage of the cost. So not only does my shop get shafted on the actual cost of the arrangement, we don’t even get the full amount! Currently, we only get 80% of the order total, so this $39.99 order only gets the shop $31.99. We’re losing $22.50 plus delivery every time we get these orders because the online businesses have low-balled the arrangement’s price. Basically, it means I’m working and delivering this arrangement for free.
I understand the why of the system. I get it. It’s the nature of these online “businesses,” the cost of convenience and getting more sales to flower shops. However, its probably the primary reason why floral shops are closing and more and more supermarkets are adding floral departments (or expanding what they have). Big businesses are able to absorb the losses easier. They will. For awhile. Until it becomes too costly - which, given Trump’s tariff tirades, it’s already starting - which will make it even more difficult for the larger local floral shops to stay in business.
Then, not only do you have the slave wage mentality on these flower websites, you also have the - well, I’m just gonna call a spade a spade - trash that complain to the websites that either a) the flowers weren’t delivered; b) the flowers were dead; c) the order wasn’t “filled to value;” d) the arrangement wasn’t what I ordered; or e) the question “Did you deliver them yet?” ten minutes after the order was accepted and printed. Each of these PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF.
A) Every delivery has to be signed for by the person accepting the flowers. If there’s no one to accept them, there’s a card put on the door. It is not my fault your girlfriend or boyfriend or whomever you sent the flowers to is too frigging dumb to call a fucking phone number. It is not my fault that your recipient is too damned lazy to check their voicemail for messages. Do not come at me with that attitude - it will be returned in kind with interest. You won’t even know I told you to fuck off.
B) The flowers weren’t dead you moron. Sunflower heads and Gerber daisy blooms naturally droop. It’s part of their aesthetic. Petals fall off the blooms during the delivery - especially in windy conditions. Every stem is inspected before selection for EVERY SINGLE ARRANGEMENT either for orders. or for in-house sale. The fuck-nuts that usually do this kind of bullshit are those who ordered flowers to be delivered in Junction City, or - and this is going to make me sound “anti-immigrant” or “racist” - people who have foreign sounding names. You know I’m talking about you, Yani. Your man is a cheap ass liar - telling you he spent $80 when he only spent $40 and now he’s gotta get that $40 back so you don’t find out. GIRL! Really?
C) I believe I’ve already shown that the “value” is laughable when you order from these online floral places, so I’ll leave this here: The orders are filled to the value you paid. If you order an arrangement, a box of chocolates, a teddy bear, a balloon, a greeting card and think you’re getting all that for $60 including delivery, you and Trump need to be roommates in a rubber room.
D) People seem to think that all flowers grow the exact same way and whatever they see in the pretty pictures online is what they are sending. People are fucking stupid. For an arrangement to look exactly like what is pictured on the website, I would have to use twice as many flowers as what’s supposed to go into the arrangement. That isn’t going to happen.
E) Dudes. You just fucking ordered the damned thing. This isn’t like a sci-fi thing where you order what you want and it automatically materializes. This isn’t fucking Star Trek. There’s like four orders ahead of you, I’m by myself, and I have customers who braved the outside and came to my shop to get their flowers while all you fucking did was sit behind your phone and ordered. Call me old fashioned, but in person people get priority over orders. BTW, you either need to spell check your message before you hit done or, I don’t know, have someone with narrower fingers do the typing for you. Either case, if I get someone demanding to know the status of their order ten minutes after receiving the order, I’m going to include in the note - “This dude is a control freak. RUN, because it won’t get better.” Please, someone tempt me.
So I told you all that to tell you this and warn you: Don’t fucking order flowers from places that don’t have a storefront. They do not do the work. They do not deliver. And they have no clue what flowers truly cost. I know it’s scary, but just call a floral shop. Talk to a real person and ask if they deliver to where you want the flowers to go. Know what flowers, colors, or vibe you want to send. Know how much you want to spend, including delivery. The florist will be upfront about what to expect for your price point and how to get the most bang for your buck while still maintaining the sentiment you’re trying to convey. IF you choose to order flowers from these shady online “floral shops,” please be aware that I will put a backdoor spell on the arrangement, and if any untrue flack comes from the order, the one spouting the lies will have a couple of weeks of misery coming to them on top of whatever astrological soup is cooking for them (there’s plenty a’brewin’ right now). I’ve already done a few - Yani, are ya listenin’ darlin’? Crabs ain’t just an astrological symbol honey - and I ain’t above doing it for every online order I get. It beats having a book titled “DO NOT ACCEPT ORDERS FOR” with names and addresses of the recipients because we don’t know who the senders are online. It’s not fair to deny someone flowers because of someone else’s character flaws - Yani, girl, GET RID OF HIM; you’ll still be able to get flowers instead of crabs.
Someone needs to talk some sense into Yani before she starts scratching.
