A Year Later…
It’s been one year and three days since I came home to an empty house. It’s been the same amount of time since I’ve seen them. I don’t know what they are doing, but I hope they are growing into the person they want to be, or is supposed to be. Every morning, the first thing I do is check my email for a digital letter. I send a prayer of blessing and protection for them and begin my morning routine. When I feel their tug, and I see it was them, I no longer spiral into the abyss of fear and panic as I once did. I still respect their decision - I don’t like it, but I respect it. It takes courage to embark on one’s own; to “leave the nest” if you will, and they have more courage than I did at their age.
In the beginning, people asked if I knew where they went - I didn’t. As time went on, people asked if I’ve heard from them - I haven’t. In catching up with extended family members, or talking with people they knew when they were here, I say, “If you know, please don’t tell me. They need people they can trust. They will contact me when they are ready.” Even now, I can feel them - they can always come home to regroup - but I’m not sure they will. Some people seem to think I’m heartless and cold because I don’t do everything in my power to find them. That’s the hard part about growth; people from your past have that version of you stuck in their heads and most times, won’t accept that you aren’t that person anymore. After my panic about them in March, I decided to fully practice what I preached and put my trust in the universe that they will reach out to me when they are ready and I haven’t sent an email since. It is by no means easy, especially when all I want to say is “I love you.” However, no contact means no contact. One could argue that I didn’t agree to the “no contact” and I should just email them - and if it were ten years ago, I probably would’ve agreed. Except you can’t say you respect a decision - which is, in this case, their boundary - and then repeatedly violate it, as I had done previously. That isn’t respect. That isn’t love. That’s the last bastion of ego wanting to exert control over another in a domineering way. I won’t do that to anyone anymore. That’s not me; that’s not who I want to be. Does it make the situation more palatable for myself? Fuck no! It makes it harder on myself because I never really understood my own parents’ perspectives when one of my siblings went no contact with them. I couldn’t understand why my parents never tried to contact the “wayward” siblings - like, did they even care their own flesh and blood wanted nothing to do with them? Did my parents not see how they could’ve been the ones in the wrong and not the wayward siblings?
This situation is Karma for myself due to my thought patterns towards my parents - I had no grace or understanding for my parents. How could I? I wasn’t a parent, nor did I walk a step in their shoes. I say Karma because it’s like the universe is saying, “Do you think you can do better?” I’m not saying I can, I’m not saying I can’t. I will say I AM doing it differently. I understand why no contact with me - I don’t know if I am now, but while they were here, I was not the same person I am today. That’s where I think I’m doing things differently; in each case of no contact between my parents and siblings, one grew while the other stayed stagnant and the same problems arose. One side couldn’t see the other’s point of view, nor take accountability for their part in the events that led to the separation. In no case were there two individuals coming together after both parties have grown enough to move forward. I’m hoping this individual and I can change that, and break what is probably a generational curse - our lineage has many, I’m sure. I’ve grown a lot in the last year - probably not enough for us to live together (I still have a difficult time shielding myself from other people’s emotions); but if they decided to send an email or message I won’t be angry for the length of time; I won’t be bitter for the decision, and I certainly wouldn’t judge them for it because I understand. Even if they emailed, “I’m just letting you know I’m alive. I still don’t want to come home, I just don’t want you to worry,” my feeling would be, “Fair enough sweetheart. Thank you for letting me know. If I contact you it’s to tell you I’ve moved so you can find me when you’re ready. I love you,” and that’s probably what I would email back just so they knew I got the message.
I know they did a lot of living in the last year - things I hadn’t let them do because of my now known selfish behavior. I just hope they learned from whatever mistakes they may have made and moved on from them instead of bottling them up like I had done. I’m sure they’ve had hardships - everyone does, that’s part of life - but they’re pretty smart. I’m sure they navigated the hardships and saw things through to the other side. Even though I don’t know their accomplishments, I get this feeling of pride. Like, “I fucking did this without her. On my own. I can do this,” and while there’s a splash of anger in with the personal pride, I understand their sentiment fully. While they have been doing life without me, I’ve been doing life on my own too. I have to say, the preaching I spouted to them as they were growing up - I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about!
I miss them. I miss their laugh. I miss the way they tend to see things and explain them. Lol, I even miss their “meh.” And while I will still check my email first thing every morning for a digital letter, I will continue to keep working on myself and figuring my shit out so when they are ready, we can meet as the individuals we are and not as parent and offspring <3
